Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The Universe According to Right-Wingers

Observation 1. You have to earn my respect. You earn it by agreeing with me.

Observation 2. Logic and grammar are elitist. Sarah Palin is not speaking gibberish. She’s speaking in tongues. And it’s not her fault if God can’t diagram a sentence.

Observation 3. Political figures I disagree with are not simply wrong, or misinformed. They’re evil. They want to destroy the economy. They’ve murdered their political opponents and people who crossed them. They’re gay. Very gay. They plot dictatorship with their gay friends. They were secretly born in other countries. They hate America. They want nothing more than to kill your grandmother. They strangle kittens for fun.

Observation 4. The government can do nothing well. The government is engaged in an endless series of conspiracies. Unless these government conspiracies are defeated, it will be the end of life as we know it. O.k., the government can almost do nothing well. Except secretly brainwash our children and turn them into gay-loving gun haters who will kill us in our sleep.

Observation 5. Patriotism is measured by the size of your flag lapel pin.

Observation 6. All of our political opponents can be compared to Adolf Hitler. There is no way station between the truth and Nazism. And Hitler spent a lot of his time on health care reform.

Observation 7. O.k., other than secretly brainwash our children and turn them into gay-loving gun haters who will kill us in our sleep, the government really can do nothing well. Unless they are executing someone. O.k., those are the only two things the government can do competently. Really. Just two.

Observation 8. Wikipedia can’t be trusted because of all of those socialist British spellings. Those arrogant Limey bastards think they invented the English language.

Observation 9. I’m sorry if anyone’s offended when Rush Limbaugh routinely imitates black political leaders, using the word “axe” instead of “ask.” He didn’t mean to be racist. I’m sorry if anyone’s offended if my fellow Republicans carried signs at McCain/Palin rallies depicting Barack Obama as Curious George, a cartoon monkey. They didn’t mean to be racist. I’m sorry if Rusty DePass, a former Republican Party officeholder, offended anyone by posting a picture of a gorilla on his Facebook page and described the primate as “one of Michelle Obama’s ancestors.” He didn’t mean to be racist. I’m sorry if during a speech to the Republican faithful, Lynn Jenkins, a GOP Congresswoman, said that the party is looking for “a Great White Hope.” She didn’t mean to be racist. We’re just sorry. And mean.

Observation 10. In America we celebrate free speech. We celebrate it by shouting down people we disagree with and preventing them from practicing free speech.

Observation 11. While reason trumps darkness, cleavage trumps reason.

Observation 12. Volume is more important than information.

Observation 13. Repeat anything often enough and it becomes true.

Observation 14. People who deny our claims are dupes of a liberal/media/Jewish/radical/Islamist conspiracy. And these un-American, communist, socialist, fascists should learn how to carry on polite political discourse.

Observation 15. As Stephen Colbert notes, it’s more important that an assertion of fact feels right than if matches the “facts.”

Observation 16. The past is a blank canvas. Paint at will.

Observation 17. American slavery wasn’t that bad. And besides, they were slaves when we found them. And we abolished slavery. Which makes us noble. Because slavery was really awful. Aren’t we heroic?

Observation 18. Franklin Delano Roosevelt destroyed the American economy. Sure, he stabilized the banking system, and increased employment, and his fellow traveler Democrats prompted the greatest expansion of wealth for the greatest number of people in history. See how subtle these bastards are?

Observation 19. Don’t trust the liberal media. The liberal media includes such famous pinkos as George Will, Pat Buchanan, and Lou Dobbs, and is owned by well-known commie front organizations like defense contractor GE.

Observation 20. Fundamentalist Christians are discriminated against, and just because they want to deny gay men and women equal rights, because they think they should make medical decisions for other people, and because they want their narrow sectarian viewpoint to become the focal point of the public school curriculum. There is no greater freedom than the right to deny those freedoms to someone else.

Observation 21. Really, other than secretly brainwashing our children and turning them into gay-loving gun haters who will kill us in our sleep, and always executing the right person, the government can do nothing right. Except run other countries like Iraq.

Observation 22. The Bible says that homosexuality is an abomination. And the Bible never changes its mind about anything. Except divorce. And shellfish. And circumcision. And high holy days. And that whole, “eye for an eye” thing. Give God a break. He’s busy. But he still doesn’t like gay people.

Observation 23. Science is bad. When science presents solid evidence for evolution or global warming, the data is socialist. As Stephen Colbert says, “The facts have a well-known liberal bias.” Scientists believe in evolution and global warming because there’s so much money to be made from being liberal and defying corporate America.

Observation 24. The Bible said Joshua stopped the sun as it moved across the sky. Ergo, Galileo was wrong. Any questions?

Observation 25. Liberalism erodes traditional values. The South has the highest rates of teen pregnancy, single-family households, STDs, and childhood poverty. Therefore, the South is filled with damned liberals. Evil, cousin-marrying, commie bastards.

Observation 26. Ignore professors. They’re all liberals. Then go to a business school or economics department. Count the liberals there. Afterward, count the number of unicorns you find.

Observation 27. God speaks to conservatives. In fact he ONLY speaks to conservatives. We know it’s God talking because God only speaks Alaskan. If right-wing politicians say God has told them to run for president, accept this at face value or you hate Jesus. Even if God tells several right wingers to run for president at the same time, give God a break. He hasn’t made up his mind yet. If a liberal politician says that God told him to support health care reform or aid to the poor, he’s obviously lying. He was listening to Satan.

Observation 28. Teleprompters were o.k. when they were used by George W. Bush. When Obama uses a teleprompter, it proves he’s stupid.

Observation 29. God hates the poor. It’s why he gave them shorter life spans.

Observation 30. Really, other than secretly brainwashing our children and turning them into gay-loving gun haters who will kill us in our sleep, always executing the right person, and running other countries like Iraq, the government can absolutely do nothing right. Except decide if a woman should have a baby. Or if two gay people should marry. Or if individuals and their families have the right to decide whether or not to continue medical care. Other than that, the government can do absolutely nothing right.


Michael Phillips has authored the following:

White Metropolis: Race, Ethnicity and Religion in Dallas, Texas, 1841-2001 (Austin:  University of Texas Press, 2006)

(with Patrick L. Cox) The House Will Come to Order: How the Texas Speaker Became a Power in State and National Politics. (Austin: University of Texas Press, 2010)

“Why Is Big Tex Still a White Cowboy? Race, Gender, and the ‘Other Texans’” in Walter Buenger and Arnoldo de León, eds., Beyond Texas Through Time: Breaking Away From Past Interpretations (College Station: Texas A&M Press, 2011)

“The Current is Stronger’: Images of Racial Oppression and Resistance in North Texas Black Art During the 1920s and 1930s ”  in Bruce A. Glasrud and Cary D. Wintz, eds., The Harlem Renaissance in the West: The New Negroes’ Western Experience (New York: Routledge, Taylor and Francis Group, 2011)

“Dallas, 1989-2011,” in Richardson Dilworth, ed. Cities in American Political History (Washington, D.C.: CQ Press, 2011)

(With John Anthony Moretta, Keith J. Volonto, Austin Allen, Doug Cantrell and Norwood Andrews), Keith J. Volonto and Michael Phillips. eds., The American Challenge: A New History of the United States, Volume I.   (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2012).

(With John Anthony Moretta and Keith J. Volanto), Keith J. Volonto and Michael Phillips, eds., The American Challenge: A New History of the United States, Volume II. (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2012).

(With John Anthony Moretta and Carl J. Luna), Imperial Presidents: The Rise of Executive Power from Roosevelt to Obama  (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2013). 

“Texan by Color: The Racialization of the Lone Star State,” in David Cullen and Kyle Wilkison, eds., The Radical Origins of the Texas Right (College Station: University of Texas Press, 2013).

He is currently collaborating, with longtime journalist Betsy Friauf, on a history of African American culture, politics and black intellectuals in the Lone Star State called God Carved in Night: Black Intellectuals in Texas and the World They Made.

1 comment:

Milton John said...

Who you callin' "subtle," Mr. Fancy-pants?