Wednesday, December 14, 2011

A Year’s Worth of Facebook Updates; “Blessed Are The Meek” Edition

I view teaching at a community college as performing in the borscht belt of academia and have long considered my job to be “standup historian.” I post most of my jokes on Facebook. I like doing comedy online because it’s harder for the audience to throw things at you. Since it’s the end of the year, I’m going to be posing a year’s worth of my Facebook updates by theme. Today l look back on what I said about religion and other harmful diversions this year.

I like the Unitarians. When they have pot luck suppers, they actually have pot.

In a press conference today, a frustrated Jesus said that when he remarked, "Blessed are the poor in spirit," he was not referring to those making more than $200,000 a year. He then pulled out the eye of a needle and demonstrated how difficult it was for both a camel and a hedge fund manager to pass through.


Spent Sunday the way I usually do. I put on a white shirt and tie and rode by bicycle to the nearest Mormon church and distributed copies of my book.

Leading social scientists tried to test the fundamentalist theory that you can "pray the gay away" and the only thing that happened was that a collection of old disco records vanished.

The good news about the Rapture happening this Saturday is that I don't think it will affect enrollment at Collin College one bit.

I hope I can get my hands on a nice iPad and an Kindle after the rapture this Saturday.

Please remember, everyone, to keep the "hash" in Rosh Hoshana.

I saw an outline of the face of the Virgin Mary on a bagel today. I'm not sure if I should call a priest or a rabbi.

After studying ancient texts, a group of leading theologians have concluded that Jesus was almost unbeatable in Mexican Sweat.

Going to the Unitarian Church with Betsy Friauf and my son Dominic to hear what may or may not be eternal truth from what may or may not be God, if he, she or it exists, as revealed to what may be he/she/its people Maybe.

At a teary press conference, Satan looked back fondly at a long career of evil-doing. "I have no regrets," he said. "Except maybe that whole roller disco thing."

Glenn Beck still likes to cite that part of the Bible where Jesus disses the poor and speaks out against raising the top marginal tax rate for the rich beyond 15 percent. I think it's in the Gospel of John: "Be not like unto the Gentiles and lay upon the rich a surcharge, lest ye be cast into the flames among the socialist do-gooders."

I'm going to make a bold prediction: in multiple millions of years the sun will swell into a red giant, swallow the earth and destroy all on it and that the universe itself, over a longer time period, will stop expanding, ushering in entropy or causing all of existence to collapse in on itself thus launching another Big Bang. With this apocalyptic forecast, you don't have to quit your job or sell your house.

Just a friendly warning: if you tell people that the hurricane is because of liberals or Muslims or feminism or gay marriage, on Judgment Day God will tell you that you are an asshole.




Michael Phillips has authored the following:


White Metropolis: Race, Ethnicity and Religion in Dallas, Texas, 1841-2001 (Austin:  University of Texas Press, 2006)

(with Patrick L. Cox) The House Will Come to Order: How the Texas Speaker Became a Power in State and National Politics. (Austin: University of Texas Press, 2010)

“Why Is Big Tex Still a White Cowboy? Race, Gender, and the ‘Other Texans’” in Walter Buenger and Arnoldo de León, eds., Beyond Texas Through Time: Breaking Away From Past Interpretations (College Station: Texas A&M Press, 2011)

“The Current is Stronger’: Images of Racial Oppression and Resistance in North Texas Black Art During the 1920s and 1930s ”  in Bruce A. Glasrud and Cary D. Wintz, eds., The Harlem Renaissance in the West: The New Negroes’ Western Experience (New York: Routledge, Taylor and Francis Group, 2011)

“Dallas, 1989-2011,” in Richardson Dilworth, ed. Cities in American Political History (Washington, D.C.: CQ Press, 2011)

(With John Anthony Moretta, Keith J. Volonto, Austin Allen, Doug Cantrell and Norwood Andrews), Keith J. Volonto and Michael Phillips. eds., The American Challenge: A New History of the United States, Volume I.   (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2012).

(With John Anthony Moretta and Keith J. Volanto), Keith J. Volonto and Michael Phillips, eds., The American Challenge: A New History of the United States, Volume II. (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2012).

(With John Anthony Moretta and Carl J. Luna), Imperial Presidents: The Rise of Executive Power from Roosevelt to Obama  (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2013). 

“Texan by Color: The Racialization of the Lone Star State,” in David Cullen and Kyle Wilkison, eds., The Radical Origins of the Texas Right (College Station: University of Texas Press, 2013).

He is currently collaborating, with longtime journalist Betsy Friauf, on a history of African American culture, politics and black intellectuals in the Lone Star State called God Carved in Night: Black Intellectuals in Texas and the World They Made.

No comments: