Thursday, December 15, 2011

A Year’s Worth of Facebook Updates: The “It’s All Politics” Edition

I view teaching at a community college as performing in the borscht belt of academia and have long considered my job to be “standup historian.” I post most of my jokes on Facebook. I like doing comedy online because it’s harder for the audience to throw things at you. Since it’s the end of the year, I’m going to be posing a year’s worth of my Facebook updates by theme. Today l look back on what I said about our political leadership, in other words "America's Least Wanted."

The Founding Fathers had their share of bad ideas: slavery, the Second Amendment, Georgia statehood . . .


Completing a high school biology class no more qualifies you to pass judgement on the theory of evolution than writing a grocery list makes you an author.


The good news is that the United States government just received a promising email from a Nigerian businessman proposing a deal that could net trillions.

Mike's Big Book of Politics, Rule 1: A stupid idea is not any smarter because it's bipartisan.

Today in Texas is "Confederate Heroes Day." "Heroes" is a much nicer word than "traitors." Or "losers."

Dominic and I are watching the children's programming being offered nonstop on C-SPAN.

Remember, kids, the rich really aren't a persecuted minority and they really don't need your help. They do want the best for you, but unfortunately they think that's turning you into Chinese prison labor.

Anti-gay, anti-feminist rightwing loon Phyllis Schlafly is 87 years old. She is proof that only the good die young.

Glenn Beck has the easiest job in America. He just has to be smarter and better informed than his audience.

You can really feel the excitement drain from the Presidential race now that Tim Pawlenty has dropped out.

Headline of the future: "New York Times' Announces 'Town Crier' Format: Reporters to Visit Subscribers' Homes."

I'm off to teach a class, Mr. and Mrs. America. Please remember, the word is "whore," not "ho." I want you to properly address your member of Congress.

Mississippians are voting tonight on whether life begins when a man in a bar buys a woman a second drink.

I noticed that MSNBC has a countdown to the government shutdown in the lower left corner. Will an electric ball go down the Washington Monument at midnight? Where's Dick Clark?

Glenn Beck, who earns at least $32 million a year for making stupid shit up for one hour a day five days a week, says he wants to figure out what is a "realistic" salary for school teachers.

New rule: hosting a cable television or a radio show makes you an expert on broadcasting. Not an expert on science, on the economy, on geopolitics, on history, on energy, on relationships, or anything useful. Behave accordingly.

Well, I am officially an atheist now. On his show today, Rush Limbaugh mentioned the name of Jesus Christ to ridicule those who suggest Jesus' heart was with the poor and Rush did not burst into flames. Rush mentioning Jesus is like a pedophile discussing your child's school picture.

Christ, these Republicans make Montgomery Burns on "The Simpsons" look like Mother Teresa.

By the way, after a very close vote I doubled my debt ceiling.

Headline of the Future: Bank of America Forecloses Itself, Receives Giant Government Bailout

In a press conference, the police officer who used pepper spray pointblank in the faces of sitting, peaceful protestors at UC Davis explained that he was a performance artist and his actions were an "ironic statement" on the abuse of state power. He announced that his next installation would be titled, "Parent Slapping Child at Walmart."Getting ready for Thanksgiving. I'm going to beat and pepper spray the turkey later this morning.

We're getting read for Thanksgiving. I've already beat and pepper sprayed the turkey.

The Macy's Parade float with the pepper spraying cop was so loveable.

I feel bad for Ann Coulter. The sex reassignment surgery she underwent obviously did not go well.

Ann Coulter called John McCain a "douchebag" on MSNBC. What a distinction for McCain. That's like being called a great musician by Duke Ellington.

Fourteen percent approve of the job Congress is doing. Who belongs to that group and where are they hospitalized?

Please let lightening hit the wingnuts in Austin. I promise I'll become a believer.

Pat Robertson put the “mental” in “fundamentalist.”

Handing microphones to conservatives is like handing out box cutters to terrorists.

I think that John Ensign will look very presidential in an orange jumpsuit.

Payoffs to college athletes in Texas will be conducted in silence in honor of late former Gov. Bill Clements.



Michael Phillips has authored the following:


White Metropolis: Race, Ethnicity and Religion in Dallas, Texas, 1841-2001 (Austin:  University of Texas Press, 2006)

(with Patrick L. Cox) The House Will Come to Order: How the Texas Speaker Became a Power in State and National Politics. (Austin: University of Texas Press, 2010)

“Why Is Big Tex Still a White Cowboy? Race, Gender, and the ‘Other Texans’” in Walter Buenger and Arnoldo de León, eds., Beyond Texas Through Time: Breaking Away From Past Interpretations (College Station: Texas A&M Press, 2011)

“The Current is Stronger’: Images of Racial Oppression and Resistance in North Texas Black Art During the 1920s and 1930s ”  in Bruce A. Glasrud and Cary D. Wintz, eds., The Harlem Renaissance in the West: The New Negroes’ Western Experience (New York: Routledge, Taylor and Francis Group, 2011)

“Dallas, 1989-2011,” in Richardson Dilworth, ed. Cities in American Political History (Washington, D.C.: CQ Press, 2011)

(With John Anthony Moretta, Keith J. Volonto, Austin Allen, Doug Cantrell and Norwood Andrews), Keith J. Volonto and Michael Phillips. eds., The American Challenge: A New History of the United States, Volume I.   (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2012).

(With John Anthony Moretta and Keith J. Volanto), Keith J. Volonto and Michael Phillips, eds., The American Challenge: A New History of the United States, Volume II. (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2012).

(With John Anthony Moretta and Carl J. Luna), Imperial Presidents: The Rise of Executive Power from Roosevelt to Obama  (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2013). 

“Texan by Color: The Racialization of the Lone Star State,” in David Cullen and Kyle Wilkison, eds., The Radical Origins of the Texas Right (College Station: University of Texas Press, 2013).

He is currently collaborating, with longtime journalist Betsy Friauf, on a history of African American culture, politics and black intellectuals in the Lone Star State called God Carved in Night: Black Intellectuals in Texas and the World They Made.

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