Thursday, December 08, 2011

A Year's Worth of Facebook Updates: Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain Edition

I view teaching at a community college as performing in the borscht belt of academia and have long considered my job to be “standup historian.” I post most of my jokes on Facebook. I like doing comedy online because it’s harder for the audience to throw things at you. Since it’s the end of the year, I’m going to be posing a year’s worth of my Facebook updates by theme. Today, l look back on what I said about the zipper-challenged Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain.

Mitt Romney said that he would put a bust of Winston Churchill in the Oval Office. Newt Gingrich said he would put in a bust of himself.

Because he believes that too much power in a single person's hands is dangerous to democracy, Newt Gingrich advocates making the office of First Lady one that rotates each year.

Newt's right face doesn't know what his farther right face is saying.

Newt Gingrich will be kicking off his presidential campaign with a major speech before a large audience of his former wives.

Let's give Newt Gingrich credit. He really took the "adult" out of adultery.

I had a nightmare last night where I was on a road trip with Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich and we kept getting pulled over by the vice squad.

According to the United States Census Bureau, Latinos/Latinas the most rapidly expanding population group in the United States. The second fastest category is women claiming to have been sexually harassed by Herman Cain.

I don't think that Herman Cain has any chance of being President of the United States. However, he’s got a shot of being the next Prime Minister of Italy.

The AP is reporting that Newt Gingrich is being treated for severe back strain. He apparently tried to move his divorce decrees to the garage.

With Cain and Gingrich ranking among the top three Republican presidential candidates, we know that the GOP is again the party of family values. Unfortunately, it's Caligula's family.

Apparently Newt Gingrich spent a half-million dollars at Tiffany's trying to buy some integrity, but the check bounced.

Newt Gingrich blamed his past history of adultery on his intense patriotism. In Newts defense, before a date night with Betsy I always play the National Anthem.

Newt Gingrich was expressing such intense love for his country tonight that I was afraid he was going to commit adultery with Hannity on camera.

The AP is reporting that Newt Gingrich has already been caught cheating with another country.

Apparently the only people Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain haven't fondled are each other. I apologize for planting that image in your head

According to doctors at Cedar Sinai Hospital, biopsies taken from various points on Newt Gingrich's body reveal that he is 95 percent colon.

‎"Entertainment Tonight" is reporting that Clarence Thomas, Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain are planning a reunion with the rest of the cast of "Porky's."

The AP is reporting that in 1997, Herman Cain sexually harassed Sarah Lawrence College.

During the debate, Newt Gingrich called for instilling pride in children by giving them paying jobs in coal mines. "They're so small," he said. "More of them can fit in those tiny little shafts." He will provide details for his "Minors as Miners" program Thursday.

There was a singing duo back in the 1980s known as "Two Tons of Fun." Watching Gingrich and Trump together today I thought they should tour as "500 Pounds of Stupid."

Herman Cain, in announcing his departure from the presidential race, quoted a Pokemon move. Michele Bachman responded by quoting a Charlie Chaplain film.

Michael Phillips has authored the following:

White Metropolis: Race, Ethnicity and Religion in Dallas, Texas, 1841-2001 (Austin:  University of Texas Press, 2006)

(with Patrick L. Cox) The House Will Come to Order: How the Texas Speaker Became a Power in State and National Politics. (Austin: University of Texas Press, 2010)

“Why Is Big Tex Still a White Cowboy? Race, Gender, and the ‘Other Texans’” in Walter Buenger and Arnoldo de León, eds., Beyond Texas Through Time: Breaking Away From Past Interpretations (College Station: Texas A&M Press, 2011)

“The Current is Stronger’: Images of Racial Oppression and Resistance in North Texas Black Art During the 1920s and 1930s ”  in Bruce A. Glasrud and Cary D. Wintz, eds., The Harlem Renaissance in the West: The New Negroes’ Western Experience (New York: Routledge, Taylor and Francis Group, 2011)

“Dallas, 1989-2011,” in Richardson Dilworth, ed. Cities in American Political History (Washington, D.C.: CQ Press, 2011)

(With John Anthony Moretta, Keith J. Volonto, Austin Allen, Doug Cantrell and Norwood Andrews), Keith J. Volonto and Michael Phillips. eds., The American Challenge: A New History of the United States, Volume I.   (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2012).

(With John Anthony Moretta and Keith J. Volanto), Keith J. Volonto and Michael Phillips, eds., The American Challenge: A New History of the United States, Volume II. (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2012).

(With John Anthony Moretta and Carl J. Luna), Imperial Presidents: The Rise of Executive Power from Roosevelt to Obama  (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2013). 

“Texan by Color: The Racialization of the Lone Star State,” in David Cullen and Kyle Wilkison, eds., The Radical Origins of the Texas Right (College Station: University of Texas Press, 2013).

He is currently collaborating, with longtime journalist Betsy Friauf, on a history of African American culture, politics and black intellectuals in the Lone Star State called God Carved in Night: Black Intellectuals in Texas and the World They Made.

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