Monday, December 12, 2011

A Year's Worth of Facebook Updates: Rabid Elephants Edition

I view teaching at a community college as performing in the borscht belt of academia and have long considered my job to be “standup historian.” I post most of my jokes on Facebook. I like doing comedy online because it’s harder for the audience to throw things at you. Since it’s the end of the year, I’m going to be posing a year’s worth of my Facebook updates by theme. Today l look back on what I said about a Republican Party that is increasingly resembling the cast of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest."

Another day in a country whose leaders think that Dickens novels are an economic blueprint.

House Republicans are considering a bill declaring women's uteruses national parkland so they can be controlled by the Department of Interior.

Breaking News: Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker admits his recent actions are part of a 12-Goosestep Program.

Interesting how many Texas conservatives are Social Darwinists even though they don't believe in evolution.

John Kyle got pregnant after a sexual romp with an illegal alien on his Senate staff and had an abortion at Walgreen's. This was not intended to be a factual statement.

People in Michigan, Ohio, and Wisconsin are waking up to the fact that crazies have taken over their state government. The crazies took over the government here in Texas too, but that was in 1836.

People get on Mitt Romney's case, but give him his due: he is the first candidate made of 100 percent recycled plastic.

According to the AP, when Mitt Romney travels the AC in his hotel rooms have to be set on high because plastic melts.

Mitt Romney is backtracking from the one major policy initiative of his tenure as Massachusetts governor - health care reform. Today he is assuring Republican voters that, if elected, he will apologize for every action he takes as president.

I propose a Constitutional amendment that the President and the Congress in the future will be prohibited from sending troops to any country that Tea Party members can't find on a map.

When Tim Pawlenty entered the GOP presidential race last week, we finally heard the sound of one hand clapping.

Earlier today God said at a press conference that, contrary to earlier reports, he has not asked anyone to run for president. He noted that he was not even registered to vote because he lacked a photo ID, and Republican election officials will not accept oil paintings or statuary as alternatives.

Before I donated blood today, I was asked the following questions: 1. Had I ever had sex with a man? 2. Had I ever had sex with a prostitute? 3. Had I ever been a GOP member of Congress?

Pat Buchanan has written a new anti-immigrant, anti-multiculturalism screed, "Suicide of a Superpower." It sounds like he wrote it when he was three white sheets to the wind.

I hear that in Washington on September 11, a bell will solemnly toll for every time that Rudy Giuliani has mentioned 9/11 in the last 10 years.

Sorry, Birthers, but if the sheet fits, wear it.

I was watching the news footage from Libya, with everyone heavily armed and firing weapons into the air, and absolutely no sign of a government anywhere, and I thought, "There it is - Tea Party Heaven." Well, maybe not. The locals are too dark-skinned for the Tea Party types.

Members of the Tea Party are facing an investigation from the EPA because they've moved from burning books to burning Kindles.

In the interest of balance and fairness, I am opening a clinic to cure straightness. I am not sure about the total course of treatment, but it will probably require men to spend time with Michele Bachman. For the women, any normal guy will probably do.

Sen. John Kyle of Arizona is the real identity of Lady Gaga. Not intended to be a factual statement.

Triumph the Insult Dog is entering the GOP primaries.

Remember kids, if God's telling you to run for president, that's why they invented thorazine.

How did House Speaker John Boehner go "mano-a-mano" with the president when both his hands are always in somebody else's pockets?

Republicans have finally found a tiny, persecuted minority they want to protect: hedge fund managers. It costs so little to help. Won't you give a hand?

Sen. John Kyle of Arizona paints his toenails a J. Crew shade of hot pink. Not intended to be a factual statement.
After the GOP presidential debate, I was just whistling that song from "West Side Story": "Sharia - I just passed a law called Sharia."

I've seen trailers for this new sci-fi film "In Time," which is sort of a twist on "Logan's Run." It depicts a future society where you don't get to live past 25 unless you pay a lot of money. It's based on the GOP health care plan. I don't find the plot feasible. If everyone died at 25, how would adult children move back in with their parents?

After a couple of bruising Presidential debates, the Republican Party this weekend will host a team-building exercise for the candidates. The leading candidates will beat hemophiliacs and deny them healthcare coverage.

I'm going out to see a movie - "The Republican First Wives Club."

Sen. John Kyle of Arizona double dips at parties. Not intended to be a factual statement.

Michael Phillips has authored the following:

White Metropolis: Race, Ethnicity and Religion in Dallas, Texas, 1841-2001 (Austin:  University of Texas Press, 2006)

(with Patrick L. Cox) The House Will Come to Order: How the Texas Speaker Became a Power in State and National Politics. (Austin: University of Texas Press, 2010)

“Why Is Big Tex Still a White Cowboy? Race, Gender, and the ‘Other Texans’” in Walter Buenger and Arnoldo de León, eds., Beyond Texas Through Time: Breaking Away From Past Interpretations (College Station: Texas A&M Press, 2011)

“The Current is Stronger’: Images of Racial Oppression and Resistance in North Texas Black Art During the 1920s and 1930s ”  in Bruce A. Glasrud and Cary D. Wintz, eds., The Harlem Renaissance in the West: The New Negroes’ Western Experience (New York: Routledge, Taylor and Francis Group, 2011)

“Dallas, 1989-2011,” in Richardson Dilworth, ed. Cities in American Political History (Washington, D.C.: CQ Press, 2011)

(With John Anthony Moretta, Keith J. Volonto, Austin Allen, Doug Cantrell and Norwood Andrews), Keith J. Volonto and Michael Phillips. eds., The American Challenge: A New History of the United States, Volume I.   (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2012).

(With John Anthony Moretta and Keith J. Volanto), Keith J. Volonto and Michael Phillips, eds., The American Challenge: A New History of the United States, Volume II. (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2012).

(With John Anthony Moretta and Carl J. Luna), Imperial Presidents: The Rise of Executive Power from Roosevelt to Obama  (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2013). 

“Texan by Color: The Racialization of the Lone Star State,” in David Cullen and Kyle Wilkison, eds., The Radical Origins of the Texas Right (College Station: University of Texas Press, 2013).

He is currently collaborating, with longtime journalist Betsy Friauf, on a history of African American culture, politics and black intellectuals in the Lone Star State called God Carved in Night: Black Intellectuals in Texas and the World They Made.

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