Monday, December 19, 2011

A Year's Worth of Facebook Updates: Random Thoughts Edition, Part I

I view teaching at a community college as performing in the borscht belt of academia and have long considered my job to be “standup historian.” I post most of my jokes on Facebook. I like doing comedy online because it’s harder for the audience to throw things at you. Since it’s the end of the year, I’m going to be posing a year’s worth of my Facebook updates by theme. Today l look back on the dark corners my addled brain ambled towards.

Please remember that I do not get paid for these jokes, so you are getting your money's worth.

I was trying to explain to my son what it was like going to CCD (Catholic Sunday school.) Instead of field trips, we went on guilt trips.

Sorry. I'm allergic to Kool-Aid. I'll pass on taking a gulp.

Idea for a bumpersticker: "Ask me about my narcissism."

You know, I'd have a positive attitude if I thought it was worth the effort.

I was recalling how in college, during the weekends after parties. I used to sleep late, generally until someone started drawing a chalk outline around me.

I'm going to try to be humble today and only think outside the tupperware.

I resolve to be sincere today even if I have to fake it.

I seem to have lost my organizer.

Where do people who already live in the hills head to?

.The paradox of computer: you can't live with them and you can't throw them out of high-story windows.

I'm having second thoughts . . . well, not really.

Let's all remember that the first syllable in the word "Twitter" is "twit."

I’m not angry. I’m mellowness-challenged.

It was a diabetic-friendly Thanksgiving. I was allowed to press my nose against the window while the rest of the famly ate inside.

It's that time of year when my thoughts turn to the Christmas gifts I plan to return.

Today, I was remembering when I was caught breaking into the medicine cabinet at the Christian Science center.

I realize I have become a doddering old man, which is quite a step down from being a doddering young man.

So I figured out the way to survive a zombie apocalypse is to tattoo a "sell-by" date on a visible part of the body so the zombies think you are stale.

I'd be patient if I had the time.

I have just signed the paperwork and I have officially donated my body to science fiction.

So a guy with Attention Deficit Disorder walks into a bar and . . . What was I going to say?


Michael Phillips has authored the following:

White Metropolis: Race, Ethnicity and Religion in Dallas, Texas, 1841-2001 (Austin:  University of Texas Press, 2006)

(with Patrick L. Cox) The House Will Come to Order: How the Texas Speaker Became a Power in State and National Politics. (Austin: University of Texas Press, 2010)

“Why Is Big Tex Still a White Cowboy? Race, Gender, and the ‘Other Texans’” in Walter Buenger and Arnoldo de León, eds., Beyond Texas Through Time: Breaking Away From Past Interpretations (College Station: Texas A&M Press, 2011)

“The Current is Stronger’: Images of Racial Oppression and Resistance in North Texas Black Art During the 1920s and 1930s ”  in Bruce A. Glasrud and Cary D. Wintz, eds., The Harlem Renaissance in the West: The New Negroes’ Western Experience (New York: Routledge, Taylor and Francis Group, 2011)

“Dallas, 1989-2011,” in Richardson Dilworth, ed. Cities in American Political History (Washington, D.C.: CQ Press, 2011)

(With John Anthony Moretta, Keith J. Volonto, Austin Allen, Doug Cantrell and Norwood Andrews), Keith J. Volonto and Michael Phillips. eds., The American Challenge: A New History of the United States, Volume I.   (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2012).

(With John Anthony Moretta and Keith J. Volanto), Keith J. Volonto and Michael Phillips, eds., The American Challenge: A New History of the United States, Volume II. (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2012).

(With John Anthony Moretta and Carl J. Luna), Imperial Presidents: The Rise of Executive Power from Roosevelt to Obama  (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2013). 

“Texan by Color: The Racialization of the Lone Star State,” in David Cullen and Kyle Wilkison, eds., The Radical Origins of the Texas Right (College Station: University of Texas Press, 2013).

He is currently collaborating, with longtime journalist Betsy Friauf, on a history of African American culture, politics and black intellectuals in the Lone Star State called God Carved in Night: Black Intellectuals in Texas and the World They Made.

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