Saturday, December 24, 2011

A Year's Worth of Facebook Updates: Random Thoughts Edition, Part II

I view teaching at a community college as performing in the borscht belt of academia and have long considered my job to be “standup historian.” I post most of my jokes on Facebook. I like doing comedy online because it’s harder for the audience to throw things at you. Since it’s the end of the year, I’m going to be posing a year’s worth of my Facebook updates by theme. Today l look back on the dark corners my addled brain ambled towards.

I want to publicly declare that absolutely nothing is beneath me.

My vow of silence did not work out. I'll have a statement on that later today.

The other day I was told to "take a powder," but I was not informed of the proper dosage.

‎"Whup ass" is now available not just in can form, but also in vacuum-sealed reusable packages.

I am feeling completely snarkless today.

I officially believe that even disillusionment is not worth the energy.

Remember kids, if you are a fool or a bigot or a religious zealot, I will respect your right to free speech but I am nor morally obligated to be your friend or to pretend you have a brain.

What should one do if one has kicked ass but forgot to take attendance?

According to a doctor's report I just received I am precisely jiggy like that.

Remember kids, there's no "I" in "team" unless you are a poor speller.

Remember kids, there's always a third option: being a tiny fish in a universe-sized ocean. Or evolving legs. But not in Texas. Evolving is illegal here.

‎Betsy Friauf got me a Kindle for my birthday. That's awesome. Now I'm trying to figure our how you fit books in this tiny thing.

Tomorrow, I plan to celebrate Labor Day 2011-style by being laid off and replaced by prison labor in China.

Excited to hear that production has begun for "Harry Potter Crosses a Street."

Very few people know this about me, but I was once part of a Milli Vanilli cover band.

I have discovered that Post-Its don't work very well on Kindles.


I have an opinion about everything. If you lack an opinion on an issue, I will be happy to give you one of mine.

One lyric says, "To sing the blues/you've got to pay the dues." What if you've paid the dues but you sing off-key?

As a famous person once said, "I don't want to be quoted."

Suffering from insomnia. I'm going to try to sleep it off.

I'm going to a sleep therapist ASAP. Apparently I am a sleep neurotic.

This semester, I vow to be ruthless and to eliminate one ruth at a time.

The Sicilian part of me wants to get all Joe Pesci on a large part of the world.

My 7-year-old son has early release today. In a text exchange I told him I would pick him up at 2:30 p.m. He replied, "That sounds reasonable."

I've got my bait and tackle box ready and tomorrow morning I'll set off to fish for compliments.

I'd write a memoir, but I've never been that good at fiction. If I do, I’ll call it “Dope-Slapped by Destiny.”

Given the people I often have to deal with, I should have just gone ahead and become a mental health professional.

Today's question: if a nanobot gets a computer virus, does it suffer from nanobotulism?

The other day I had a revelation. The reason so many people won't remove their heads from their asses is that their insurance won't cover the procedure.



Michael Phillips has authored the following:

White Metropolis: Race, Ethnicity and Religion in Dallas, Texas, 1841-2001 (Austin:  University of Texas Press, 2006)

(with Patrick L. Cox) The House Will Come to Order: How the Texas Speaker Became a Power in State and National Politics. (Austin: University of Texas Press, 2010)

“Why Is Big Tex Still a White Cowboy? Race, Gender, and the ‘Other Texans’” in Walter Buenger and Arnoldo de León, eds., Beyond Texas Through Time: Breaking Away From Past Interpretations (College Station: Texas A&M Press, 2011)

“The Current is Stronger’: Images of Racial Oppression and Resistance in North Texas Black Art During the 1920s and 1930s ”  in Bruce A. Glasrud and Cary D. Wintz, eds., The Harlem Renaissance in the West: The New Negroes’ Western Experience (New York: Routledge, Taylor and Francis Group, 2011)

“Dallas, 1989-2011,” in Richardson Dilworth, ed. Cities in American Political History (Washington, D.C.: CQ Press, 2011)

(With John Anthony Moretta, Keith J. Volonto, Austin Allen, Doug Cantrell and Norwood Andrews), Keith J. Volonto and Michael Phillips. eds., The American Challenge: A New History of the United States, Volume I.   (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2012).

(With John Anthony Moretta and Keith J. Volanto), Keith J. Volonto and Michael Phillips, eds., The American Challenge: A New History of the United States, Volume II. (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2012).

(With John Anthony Moretta and Carl J. Luna), Imperial Presidents: The Rise of Executive Power from Roosevelt to Obama  (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2013). 

“Texan by Color: The Racialization of the Lone Star State,” in David Cullen and Kyle Wilkison, eds., The Radical Origins of the Texas Right (College Station: University of Texas Press, 2013).

He is currently collaborating, with longtime journalist Betsy Friauf, on a history of African American culture, politics and black intellectuals in the Lone Star State called God Carved in Night: Black Intellectuals in Texas and the World They Made.

No comments: