I view teaching at a community college as performing in the borscht belt of academia and have long considered my job to be “standup historian.” I post most of my jokes on Facebook. I like doing comedy online because it’s harder for the audience to throw things at you. Since it’s the end of the year, I’m going to be posing a year’s worth of my Facebook updates by theme. Today l look back on the dark corners my addled brain ambled towards.
I want to publicly declare that absolutely nothing is beneath me.
My vow of silence did not work out. I'll have a statement on that later today.
The other day I was told to "take a powder," but I was not informed of the proper dosage.
"Whup ass" is now available not just in can form, but also in vacuum-sealed reusable packages.
I am feeling completely snarkless today.
I officially believe that even disillusionment is not worth the energy.
Remember kids, if you are a fool or a bigot or a religious zealot, I will respect your right to free speech but I am nor morally obligated to be your friend or to pretend you have a brain.
What should one do if one has kicked ass but forgot to take attendance?
According to a doctor's report I just received I am precisely jiggy like that.
Remember kids, there's no "I" in "team" unless you are a poor speller.
Remember kids, there's always a third option: being a tiny fish in a universe-sized ocean. Or evolving legs. But not in Texas. Evolving is illegal here.
Betsy Friauf got me a Kindle for my birthday. That's awesome. Now I'm trying to figure our how you fit books in this tiny thing.
Tomorrow, I plan to celebrate Labor Day 2011-style by being laid off and replaced by prison labor in China.
Excited to hear that production has begun for "Harry Potter Crosses a Street."
Very few people know this about me, but I was once part of a Milli Vanilli cover band.
I have discovered that Post-Its don't work very well on Kindles.
I have an opinion about everything. If you lack an opinion on an issue, I will be happy to give you one of mine.
One lyric says, "To sing the blues/you've got to pay the dues." What if you've paid the dues but you sing off-key?
As a famous person once said, "I don't want to be quoted."
Suffering from insomnia. I'm going to try to sleep it off.
I'm going to a sleep therapist ASAP. Apparently I am a sleep neurotic.
This semester, I vow to be ruthless and to eliminate one ruth at a time.
The Sicilian part of me wants to get all Joe Pesci on a large part of the world.
My 7-year-old son has early release today. In a text exchange I told him I would pick him up at 2:30 p.m. He replied, "That sounds reasonable."
I've got my bait and tackle box ready and tomorrow morning I'll set off to fish for compliments.
I'd write a memoir, but I've never been that good at fiction. If I do, I’ll call it “Dope-Slapped by Destiny.”
Given the people I often have to deal with, I should have just gone ahead and become a mental health professional.
Today's question: if a nanobot gets a computer virus, does it suffer from nanobotulism?
The other day I had a revelation. The reason so many people won't remove their heads from their asses is that their insurance won't cover the procedure.
Michael Phillips is the author or co-author of the following books:
“White Metropolis: Race, Ethnicity and Religion in Dallas, Texas, 1841-2001” (Austin: University of Texas Press, 2006).
“The House Will Come to Order: How the Texas Speaker Became a Power in State and National Politics.” Co-Written with Patrick Cox. (Austin: University of Texas Press, 2010).
Walter Buenger and Arnoldo de León, eds., “Beyond Texas Through Time: Breaking Away From Past Interpretations” (College Station: Texas A&M Press, 2011).
Bruce A. Glasrud and Cary D. Wintz, eds., “The Harlem Renaissance in the West: The New Negroes’ Western Experience” (New York: Routledge, Taylor and Francis Group, 2011).
Richardson Dilworth, ed. “Cities in American Political History” (Washington, D.C.: CQ Press, 2011).
He will also be co-author of the forthcoming “The Radical Origins of the Texas Right” (edited by David Cullen and Kyle Wilkison) due to be published in 2012 by Texas A&M University Press; and “American Dreams and Reality: A Retelling of the American Story,” to be published the same year by Abigail Press.
He is currently collaborating, with longtime journalist Betsy Friauf, on a history of Bishop College, an African American institution originally established in Marshall, Texas, that relocated to Dallas by the 1960s before suffering bankruptcy in the 1980s. The two plan to create a website and author a book, “’God Carved in Night’: Afro-Texan Culture, Political Activism And the Rise and Fall Of Bishop College” based on this project.
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