Wednesday, December 21, 2011

A Year's Worth of Facebook Updates: Rangers-Cardinals World Series Edition

I view teaching at a community college as performing in the borscht belt of academia and have long considered my job to be “standup historian.” I post most of my jokes on Facebook. I like doing comedy online because it’s harder for the audience to throw things at you. Since it’s the end of the year, I’m going to be posing a year’s worth of my Facebook updates by theme. Today l look back on the agonies of being a sports fan, particularly if you cheer for the Texas Rangers.

Even if the NFL season is cancelled, I think the Giants will find a way to finish below .500.

Martin Luther King, Jr. Day not only honors a great man but also marks the date when, traditionally, the New York Mets are eliminated from World Series contention.

Far be it from me to defend the Dallas Cowboys, but Tony Romo is playing with a punctured lung and broken ribs. I'm out for the day if I get a paper cut.

The World Series is almost over, the air is cooler, there's dew on the grass and now is the time that young men's thoughts turn to free agency.

This game is as scoreless as I was as a teenager.

The Cardinals are going through pitchers like Larry King goes through wives.

Bases loaded. And from what I read, so were the Red Sox most of the season.

Until that play, I hadn't seen so much choking since the Boston Strangler.

I haven't seen so many errors since the last time I graded a blue book,

Let's face it, this game has more Es than eleemosynary.

The ball apparently is more slippery than Bernie Madoff's accounting.

Scientists are still trying to detect this umpire's strike zone. It appears to be as small as Rick Perry's heart. And mind.

I think Sally Struthers is about to do a tear-jerking ad asking for someone to sponsor the abandoned base runners in this game. Sarah McLachlan will sing the background song.

If Michael Jackson were still alive, I could repeat a joke about the Cardinals they used to make about the Texas Rangers: What do Michael Jackson and the St. Louis Cardinals have in common? They both wear one glove for no apparent reason.

Tony LaRussa is going to do a double-switch. I think that's what Larry Craig did in that restroom.

Oh well. The Rangers are like my first marriage. I expect to be let down.

Rangers, you are the Anna Karenina of baseball.

Rangers, you're like Ike and Tina Turner. You never do nothin' nice and easy.

Feldman is on the mound for the Rangers. Haven't his people suffered enough?

Well Scott Feldman blew his chance to be the most beloved Texas Jew since Jack Ruby.

I get it. This game will never end. We're in a play by Samuel Beckett.

Alabama is No. 2 and LSU is No. 1. Perhaps next week’s featured game will involve teams that can spell SAT.

This Alabama-LSU game is the only reason I'm glad I'm grading blue books. This game is like the "Is it safe?" dentist scene in "The Marathon Man"

What would make this LSU-Alabama game more interesting would be if one of the players came out as a Wiccan and thanked Satan after the game.

Well, the game of the century of the week is about as electrifying as C-SPAN's "Booknotes" show. Maybe ESPN 12 is running chess.

There is no truth to the rumor that the Texas Rangers are trying to trade C.J. Wilson to Argentine kidnappers.

[Referring to the Penn State scandal]. Way back in my journalism career, which I spent part of as a sports writer, the sports section was called "the toy shop" of journalism. It has become the Stephen King novel of news.

I did not realize until this morning that ESPN had started broadcasting "America's Most Wanted."

Michael Phillips has authored the following:

White Metropolis: Race, Ethnicity and Religion in Dallas, Texas, 1841-2001 (Austin:  University of Texas Press, 2006)

(with Patrick L. Cox) The House Will Come to Order: How the Texas Speaker Became a Power in State and National Politics. (Austin: University of Texas Press, 2010)

“Why Is Big Tex Still a White Cowboy? Race, Gender, and the ‘Other Texans’” in Walter Buenger and Arnoldo de León, eds., Beyond Texas Through Time: Breaking Away From Past Interpretations (College Station: Texas A&M Press, 2011)

“The Current is Stronger’: Images of Racial Oppression and Resistance in North Texas Black Art During the 1920s and 1930s ”  in Bruce A. Glasrud and Cary D. Wintz, eds., The Harlem Renaissance in the West: The New Negroes’ Western Experience (New York: Routledge, Taylor and Francis Group, 2011)

“Dallas, 1989-2011,” in Richardson Dilworth, ed. Cities in American Political History (Washington, D.C.: CQ Press, 2011)

(With John Anthony Moretta, Keith J. Volonto, Austin Allen, Doug Cantrell and Norwood Andrews), Keith J. Volonto and Michael Phillips. eds., The American Challenge: A New History of the United States, Volume I.   (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2012).

(With John Anthony Moretta and Keith J. Volanto), Keith J. Volonto and Michael Phillips, eds., The American Challenge: A New History of the United States, Volume II. (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2012).

(With John Anthony Moretta and Carl J. Luna), Imperial Presidents: The Rise of Executive Power from Roosevelt to Obama  (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2013). 

“Texan by Color: The Racialization of the Lone Star State,” in David Cullen and Kyle Wilkison, eds., The Radical Origins of the Texas Right (College Station: University of Texas Press, 2013).

He is currently collaborating, with longtime journalist Betsy Friauf, on a history of African American culture, politics and black intellectuals in the Lone Star State called God Carved in Night: Black Intellectuals in Texas and the World They Made.

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