Wednesday, December 07, 2011

A Year's Worth of Facebook Updates: Rick Perry Edition

I view teaching at a community college as performing in the borscht belt of academia and have long considered my job to be “standup historian.” I post most of my jokes on Facebook. I like doing comedy online because it’s harder for the audience to throw things at you. Since it’s the end of the year, I’m going to be posing a year’s worth of my Facebook updates by theme. Tonight, l look back on what I said about failed Texas governor and even more failed presidential candidate Rick Perry.

Gov. Perry thinks Occam’s Razor is something you shave with.

I thought this violated the laws of physics, but Rick Perry is both an empty suit and a stuffed shirt.

In one of those cute gubernatorial sports sidebets, Rick Perry told Jan Brewer he'd close UT for a year if the Longhorns lose. He said that was in his budget plans anyway.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry and Florida Gov. Rick Scott have a bet on the NBA Finals between Miami and Dallas. The winner gets to close a orphanage in the other governor's state.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry is also lobbying for not just for a law allowing concealed handguns at colleges, but also a concealed hair spray law.

Remember, half of all global warming is caused by Rick Perry's hairspray.

There is buzz that Rick Perry might run for president. Human evolution has shifted gears and is heading in reverse.

Rick Perry relaxed this weekend by tracking down a school teacher and laying her off. He also said that he finds turning off the ventilators of the elderly "calming."

The sad thing is that four million years of primate evolution produced Rick Perry. Nature is a crapshoot, isn't it?

Rick Perry believes that the federal income tax should be as flat as the earth.

Rick Perry to educators: "If I want your opinion, I'll misstate it for you."

So Rick Perry wants us all to fast on August 6 to battle "moral relativism." I hope if he is really concerned about this country, he'll put his money where his mouth is and fast until the presidential election.

I have been unfair to Gov. Goodhair in Texas. He is a job creator. The number of political hand jobs in Austin has gone up dramatically since he's taken office.

Experts wonder what's next for the oil-rich feudal state, divided by tribal loyalties, ruled endlessly by a corrupt, autocratic oligarchy and dominated by medieval religious thinking. But some think Texas can make a transition to democracy."

Gov. Perry, you don't get more with less. You only get less.

Headline from the future: "In Speech at D.C. Beach, President Perry Calls Global Warming a 'Myth.'"

Rick Perry clarified that he is not endorsing Galileo's theories and still wants to understand why he was mentioned in that Queen song.

Rick Perry was "thoughtful" in the way he cut the state's education budget in the same way that John Wayne Gacy was a thoughtful neighbor.

Arguing about whether a contribution from Merck prompted Perry's attempt to require HPV vaccine for schoolgirls, Rick Perry said, ""I raised about $30 million [in campaign contributions]. And if you're saying that I can be bought for $5,000, I'm offended." Mr. Perry, we've aready established what profession you are in. Now we're arguing about the price.

Research from behavioral scientists demonstrates that Rick Perry cannot, in fact, be bought for $5,000. Throw in a Chuck E. Cheese coupon, though, and a linty Lifesaver, and he's your's.

Rick Perry isn't sure what country Obama was born in. I'm not sure what century Rick Perry was born in. Or what century.

During the presidential debate, Rick Perry said, "I want schools to emphasize the A, B . . er . . . ah . . . I can't think of that third letter."

Perry just made a speech where he said we should live by the Declaration of Independence's support of "life, liberty and pursuit of whatever it is we're supposed to be pursuing."

Lots of Penn State students last night proved that Rick Perry is not necessarily the dumbest human alive. He's still in the running, though, unlike the presidential race.

Headline of the future: "After Palin, Perry Debacle, God Promises to Be More Careful Who He Talks To"

Michael Phillips has authored the following:

White Metropolis: Race, Ethnicity and Religion in Dallas, Texas, 1841-2001 (Austin:  University of Texas Press, 2006)

(with Patrick L. Cox) The House Will Come to Order: How the Texas Speaker Became a Power in State and National Politics. (Austin: University of Texas Press, 2010)

“Why Is Big Tex Still a White Cowboy? Race, Gender, and the ‘Other Texans’” in Walter Buenger and Arnoldo de León, eds., Beyond Texas Through Time: Breaking Away From Past Interpretations (College Station: Texas A&M Press, 2011)

“The Current is Stronger’: Images of Racial Oppression and Resistance in North Texas Black Art During the 1920s and 1930s ”  in Bruce A. Glasrud and Cary D. Wintz, eds., The Harlem Renaissance in the West: The New Negroes’ Western Experience (New York: Routledge, Taylor and Francis Group, 2011)

“Dallas, 1989-2011,” in Richardson Dilworth, ed. Cities in American Political History (Washington, D.C.: CQ Press, 2011)

(With John Anthony Moretta, Keith J. Volonto, Austin Allen, Doug Cantrell and Norwood Andrews), Keith J. Volonto and Michael Phillips. eds., The American Challenge: A New History of the United States, Volume I.   (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2012).

(With John Anthony Moretta and Keith J. Volanto), Keith J. Volonto and Michael Phillips, eds., The American Challenge: A New History of the United States, Volume II. (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2012).

(With John Anthony Moretta and Carl J. Luna), Imperial Presidents: The Rise of Executive Power from Roosevelt to Obama  (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2013). 

“Texan by Color: The Racialization of the Lone Star State,” in David Cullen and Kyle Wilkison, eds., The Radical Origins of the Texas Right (College Station: University of Texas Press, 2013).

He is currently collaborating, with longtime journalist Betsy Friauf, on a history of African American culture, politics and black intellectuals in the Lone Star State called God Carved in Night: Black Intellectuals in Texas and the World They Made.

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