Saturday, December 17, 2011

A Year’s Worth of Facebook Updates: “Heartbreak Hotel” Edition

I view teaching at a community college as performing in the borscht belt of academia and have long considered my job to be “standup historian.” I post most of my jokes on Facebook. I like doing comedy online because it’s harder for the audience to throw things at you. Since it’s the end of the year, I’m going to be posing a year’s worth of my Facebook updates by theme. Today l look back on what I said about relationships, and why they are the type of ship that most often capsizes.

If you love someone, let them go free. If they don't come back, sell their furniture. If they do come back, change your locks.

That novel, "Great Expectations," was a big letdown.

A reminder to my female friends, just because a man is emotionally distant, selfish and has a criminal record, that doesn't necessarily mean that he loves you.

The worst thing about cyberbullies is when they cyberpants you.

Remember kids, it's important to love all your brothers and sisters. Well, except for that jabbering idiot with the Blue Tooth receiver in his right ear in the checkout line.

Character fades but looks are forever.

I'm an agnostic but my ex keeps proving that Satan exists.

Nachos are truly the way to a woman's heart. That and a stable job and adequate sanitary habits.

What a morning. I didn't think about it and I failed to tell Betsy Friauf to remind me that I'm forgetful.

The movie "All That Jazz" is on TV. I always considered my life a real life version of the film minus the music, dancing, sexual complications, and speed.

It was a traditional Phillips Thanksgiving. I presented a power point with photos of people I was grateful to not be.

I may be shedding tears, but I'm laughing inside.

My doctor today actually diagnosed me as being too sexy for my shirt. I will shop tomorrow.

Fourteen percent of Americans use anti-depressants. Eighty-six percents of Americans drink after talking to their friends on anti-depressants.

With a friend I am starting a clinic to rehabilitate people who take the kama sutra too seriously. There are a lot of tendon pulls we'll be dealing with.

So it's almost April and the weather in Texas is chilly and unpredictable. Sort of like my first marriage.

It’s been almost six month since New York legalized gay marriage and that has still done nothing to destroy my relationship with my wife.

Please remember, Mr. and Mrs. America that we are all one. Well, accept for that person who sneaks into the express grocery line with more than 20 items. And that person who parks in the handicapped space. And that person who knows his lane is ending and zooms ahead so he cut cut further up in your lane. And insurance company executives and Wall Street investors. And that person over there with the misspelled "English Only" sign. Screw them. But the rest of us are all one.

You know, I always thought being friends with me was the benefit.



Michael Phillips has authored the following:


White Metropolis: Race, Ethnicity and Religion in Dallas, Texas, 1841-2001 (Austin:  University of Texas Press, 2006)

(with Patrick L. Cox) The House Will Come to Order: How the Texas Speaker Became a Power in State and National Politics. (Austin: University of Texas Press, 2010)

“Why Is Big Tex Still a White Cowboy? Race, Gender, and the ‘Other Texans’” in Walter Buenger and Arnoldo de León, eds., Beyond Texas Through Time: Breaking Away From Past Interpretations (College Station: Texas A&M Press, 2011)

“The Current is Stronger’: Images of Racial Oppression and Resistance in North Texas Black Art During the 1920s and 1930s ”  in Bruce A. Glasrud and Cary D. Wintz, eds., The Harlem Renaissance in the West: The New Negroes’ Western Experience (New York: Routledge, Taylor and Francis Group, 2011)

“Dallas, 1989-2011,” in Richardson Dilworth, ed. Cities in American Political History (Washington, D.C.: CQ Press, 2011)

(With John Anthony Moretta, Keith J. Volonto, Austin Allen, Doug Cantrell and Norwood Andrews), Keith J. Volonto and Michael Phillips. eds., The American Challenge: A New History of the United States, Volume I.   (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2012).

(With John Anthony Moretta and Keith J. Volanto), Keith J. Volonto and Michael Phillips, eds., The American Challenge: A New History of the United States, Volume II. (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2012).

(With John Anthony Moretta and Carl J. Luna), Imperial Presidents: The Rise of Executive Power from Roosevelt to Obama  (Wheaton, Il.: Abigail Press, 2013). 

“Texan by Color: The Racialization of the Lone Star State,” in David Cullen and Kyle Wilkison, eds., The Radical Origins of the Texas Right (College Station: University of Texas Press, 2013).

He is currently collaborating, with longtime journalist Betsy Friauf, on a history of African American culture, politics and black intellectuals in the Lone Star State called God Carved in Night: Black Intellectuals in Texas and the World They Made.

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